I MISS HAKIM !! =(

looking at the title of the post, i guess u guys understood wat i wanna say. but let me just tell the whole story and how i felt not being able to see a friend anymore (reminds me of ji youn) =(

the story...

it was january this year when it all begin, somewhere mid january if i'm not mistaken. even before cny i hadn't seen hakim since then. i realise that hakim never attended lectures n classes, but it never really bother me at all as i thought that it was all for the better since i can have my whole peace in coll. soon after it drag on til feb and yet hakim was still absent for the whole month. i started to get worried for him as this has never happen before. it's not like hakim to skip classes. he may be very noisy and at a certain point able to trigger ur anger, but looking back, he never skip classes, not for a whole 1 month plus! however, due to my ignorance n pride, i never bother to ask him how he was doing. his absence troubled me for a while but i never bother to message him whatsoever. at first i thought that he was on a holiday, to ukraine, since he told me his older sister is studying there and that his parents plan to visit her. i once ask him in msn for the reason of he not attending classes and he said that it was all for the better. people will have their own peace and much happier without him. soon it was march and i decided i couldn't be that ignorant n selfish anymore. i started messaging hakim asking bout his whereabouts but sad to say he ignored my first message. nevertheless, i did not give up that easily. he replied my second message n told me that it wasn't my fault and that it was his coz he plans to keep all this to himself n that he's not good at saying goodbye. he ask me in his message that if i knew all this would happen, will i change anything. i told him i will change and that things would be so different back then. he told me in his message that he once asked me before what i would do if he decided to change coll or not be able to c me anymore. as i continue to read his message, i try to recall the day he ask me that particular question, but being the person who always acts cold towards him, i fail to recall that important day. hakim replied my message around 2 something in the morning, and it woke me up. after reading his message, hot tears started streaming from my eyes like the pouring of rain. i cried for 1 hour plus til my eyes were swollen the next morning. i realise the reason why i cried was because i never knew that this day would come n that now it has, i totally regret what i had not done in the past for our friendship. i realise i had taken hakim for granted and that i always acted cold towards him. and yes, probably his attitude was pretty offensive n annoying at times, but stil people make mistakes in life. nobody's perfect. and i fail to c that in hakim. i always judge his mistakes instead of treasuring him as a friend. i learn not to take small things for granted n i guess i learn it the hard way, facing the consequences of not being able to see hakim anymore. i miss those small quarrels we had together, those shouts of anger. i never get the chance to tell him how much i love him, telling him how much i treasured him as my fren. God gave me so many chances before, but i took it for granted and now i have to pay the consequences of my actions. seeing how all these has happen in just a blink of an eye, i don't think i deserve such a good friend like hakim. tho i always act cold towards him, yet he never tell me how hurt he was or rather, not act cold back towards me. i let my anger took hold of me. he always wanted to treat me lunch and i always push it aside, giving tonnes of excuses not to show up for it. 5 months of friendship just disappear without the slightiest feeling of love in it. i had 5 whole months to show him how much i value him as a friend but what did i do in the end?i did nothing for our friendship while he putting so much effort in it, treating me lunch (once), buying me so many cloud nines when he knew i was addicted to it during that time, opening the doors on our way to classes. he may have so many bad influences (smoking n being such a pervert), yet he always makes sure that i come first. i may not know all about his bad characteristics, which i don't plan to know right now, but at least, he tried his best to savour our friendship. he even told me once that all those fightings we had were not fightings to him. always giving me advices on how to be optimistic, scolding me when i always had this obsession of scratching my ear(allergy), borrowing me his novels for the whole 2 weeks of holidays etc etc. reflecting back on our friendship, i guess hakim don't deserved such a bad friend like me. i did nothing for him. all i poured in this friendship was anger, ignorance n pessimistic attitude, which in the end leads to a whole heartful of regrets. if only i could turn back time, i would definitely treasure him like never before. i can stil remember the last time i sw him was his bag, not him. it was somewhere in january, the last week before cny holidays. it was a tues n he had statistic class in the morning. as usual, i always come early to coll. i was walking towards the discussion room i always use before my classes begin. somehow, i walk pass it as i saw light in the other classroom, far behind the discussion room. as i walk nearer to the classroom at the far end, i saw hakim's bag and i quickly turn and walk away, not entering the class and saying hi to him. sigh! all i can ask now was for his forgiveness and convey my best wishes to him in his near future. he may be younger than me, but he is much more matured than i am. if i could turn back time, i would love to give him his hug that he always wanted for a long time, tell him how much i treasure him as my friend, tell him how much i love him, treat him lunch, give him a gift to replace all that fightings we've gone through etc etc. we've gone through plenty of ups n downs and altho it's for only a short period of time, i'll always treasure it forever. it's been almost 3 months since i last saw him, yet i stil have this tiny weeny hope that he'll come back to TPM and study. i still could not figure out the cause of him leaving coll, but if he leaves coll because he feels unhappy there, i respect his decision and wish him happiness n success in his new coll. he is a bright kid, obtaining full petronas scolarship for his SPM, at least thats what i heard from my friend, so i guess many coll or uni will definitely take him in. every night since i received his messages, i cried myself to sleep. i try not to think about what had just happen. i know that i have to let go. what's in the past is in the past. no more turning back. hakim also brought me close to God. i've abandone my prayers for quite some time now due to tiredness, always doze off halfway through my prayers. after what happen, i prayed each and everyday, making sure that hakim is in my prayers. i long for a miracle to happen. for hakim to come back to TPM since it's his last semester before he flies to california. it would be such a waste if he just quit like that. he spent 2 years studying in TPM and he quited now, in his last semeseter. but like i said before, i respect any decision he makes, altho i know it will definitely break my heart if he choose not to continue in TPM. i guess i've written a very long essay. thanks for reading guys. i felt much better after writing it out here in this blog. please do not tell mathavan about this whole thing about me crying for hakim and all k. appreciate it loads. thanks. love u guys loads

ps: i'll definitely treasure u guys more after going through this whole experience with hakim

written with tears in her eyes,

kher-yin