The Problem Between Me and Melvin

Honestly, i used to think that i can be a perfect girl friend before i had a boy friend. I used to think what should i do to become a lovely, adorable and caring girlfriend which can really tight the boyfriend to stay with me forever, and i believed that i can do it, such a shameless person.

Last time, when i was together with my ex ( That IDIOT), i used to think that my " quality " is so much better than his, thus, i used to have one thought, that is: i deserved so much better than this. Thus, i have no worries. Even that time we broke up, i still think that with that kind of guy can never get any girl who is better than me anymore.....(probably that time i was just consoling myself, i cannot remember, haha)

after breaking up with him, within a month time, i get to know Melvin, i don't understand why he treated me so well since we just know each other for one or two days (only). He began to chase after me, asked me to go out, treated me meals.....what he did to me melt my heart.....i think.....probably i just need someone to forget the past. At that time, i was thinking, why not to have a try? I have expected it will not be a very firm and long lasting relationship, probably we will go out to find another partner in one month time, then break up. This is what i thought when i started the relationship with him.

we get together after knowing each other for a month, he appeared to be a faithful, honest and caring guy, what was in my mind was: such a great actor he is. This, i really dare not to tell anyone about it, i don't know why, i just chose to be slutty that time. I continue to date other guys, lied to Melvin everytime i go out with them. i expected him to treat me the same way.

However, after a few weeks, i know i should not do this to this serious guy anymore, what he is doing is for me, he spent all his money on me, he spent all his time for me, he even changed his job just because of my mum doesnt like what he is working as that time.....(however, that job can really earn good living, if he didnt change his job, i think he can already save up to RM10,000, not like now..... want to repair car also no money)

I know i am wrong.....i tried to do many things to replace what i owed him, i want to be a good girlfriend, however, i dont know why, what he doing now can easily irritate me, making me lost the temper to treat him well, we argued on small matters, everytime i am the one to be unreasonable, he will be the one who say sorry, i know that i am wrong.....however, i just couldn't help.....the arguements are always on the issue of " pretty girls "

Got one thing, it was actually reminded by my mum and relatives, i have become uglier compared to last time before i get together with Melvin.....it is true actually, he is that kind of guy who doesnt really like to dress up nicely before going out. Last time when we go out together, there would be a big contrast between us, i feel very sien about it, especially when people give us a weird look, even more sien..... so that got one time, i really feel very lazy to dress up, even go college i also cincai like aunty, that's why my classmates used to say that i am ugly or nothing special about me.

Watching too much Taiwanese program these days, seeing too many pretty girls in KL and college, i am educated to think that guys will only look at the girls' appearance. If you have no good looking, you will be miserable for the rest of your life, if you have good looking, every guys are willing to help you when you are down. If you have pretty face, you can snatch other's boy friend away without putting hard effort.

I am so afraid, i had nightmares almost everynight. In the dreams, Melvin had affair with other girl, he slept with other girl, he looks at other girls, he admitted to me that he likes pretty girl.....that is hurt, that is painful, i woke up in horror with tears.....

Nowadays, the more i look at the mirror, the more i hate myself, i am no longer have "lifeful" face, it looks dead and grey.

Face problem: Super big eye bags with bed of pimples
Body problem: No boobs, fat waist, unsexy butts
leg problem: Long but fat, full with scars
feet and hands problem: sweaty
hair problem: fizzy and dry

I really cant stand with this Jamie. I don't want to be like this. I want to be perfect.

everytime when i see pretty girls, i feel uneasy, i always tell Melvin: How good if you can sleep with this kind of girl right? His heart is broken by what i said. However, what i think is, he wants to, it just happen that he dare not to.....i don't believe if one day there is a naked pretty girl lying beside his bed he wont do that with her. This thought disturb my mind. i feel insecure. In my mind, this can happen anytime, it just like a buried bomb. However, there is another buried bomb which is buried in our relationship.....if i continue to do this to him.

i really don't understand with what am i thinking..... got one day, i went out with his friends, i hate this gang of people, they thought themselves very high class because they come out to work earlier than we do. They are three couples of them. one of the girl was showing off the ring which was bought by her bf by doing many gesture, it costs 1,400, she even told us the boyfriend bought it to her just because they pass by the shop and she thinks that it was nice. I was quite pissed off, Melvin's mood was affected. In the car, he asked me, do you think your boy friend is useless? I hate this question, in my heart,: i answered this question: Yes, you are, why don't you just get lost in front of me?!" However, i choose to say a NO to him. I understand his situation, he really put it effort, it just that the return is not fruitful enough yet. However, his question really turned my nerves on!!!

I really don't know what can i do to maintain this relationship, i just know that he is the one who trying to sew the hole appeared, i am the one who trying to destroy it


Confused
Jamie